My son is in a college obsessed school. His teacher made me an insulting proposal.

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Dear care and feeding!

Last summer my family moved in with my husband for work. It was an out-of-state move and I’m experiencing a bit of culture shock even though we still live in a small suburb. But my biggest concern is my son, a high school sophomore. He makes the football team, where he does well, just like in his old school, and he quickly becomes friends with his teammates. However, at his old school he was at the top of his class, and success came easily to him. There wasn’t much homework either. His school was a lot like mine, and I thought I knew how everything worked.

At his new, larger school, the classes are divided into many levels, and he started at the “intermediate” college prep level with so much homework! This semester he had problems in every subject, especially science and English. He is being tutored so he can keep his grades up, but he is constantly frustrated. At his old school, I talked to his teachers at regular parent-teacher conferences, but his current teachers contact me constantly and seem to expect me to be more involved in his education than they are. They often work on things I haven’t seen before (and I was in college!). His English teacher told us this week that she is recommending that he be taken out of college prep next semester. She said, “Not every kid is ready to go to college.” This seems crazy to me and he said he doesn’t want to go down (he feels bad and also says he’s worried he’ll never go back up). Education is important, but it’s high school, not college. How can I help him deal with this?

— Concerned Mom

Dear restless,

I know this adjustment is difficult for both you and your child, And I’m not a fan of lots of homework, but it sounds like your son’s old school didn’t offer much challenge and (obviously) did little to prepare him for college. The new school may, of course, be placing too much emphasis on college preparation (hard for me to say with the little information I have) and categorizing kids too quickly and too ruthlessly. But if your son entered college thinking he could survive without studying, without developing good work habits and without ever being challenged intellectually), college itself will be a rude awakening. If he plans and hopes to continue his education, which is not an absolute necessity for everyone; there are other paths to a successful career and a fulfilling life (although the teacher who implied that your child may not be cut out for higher education sounds – again, from what little I know –keep in mind(or at least insensitive) – then sticking with a college prep program would be the right thing for him to do.

He hasn’t been at the new school long enough to get used to it yet, but he will. If he had never had to try before because the classes were too easy for him and he wasn’t given much work, then having To the attempt was a shock. But it will pass. I wish his English teacher would take this into account and tell you what I’m about to tell you. Give him time. Ask his teachers what you can do to support him and prepare him for success in high school, which in turn will prepare him for college. Tell to him you know how difficult this adjustment is. I have taught students who had little difficulty making the transition to college-level work, who already had established study habits, who had completed coursework in high school that allowed them to make a smooth transition to college-level classes, and who had the skills time management. — and I taught students who had none of the above, who struggled tooth and nail (sometimes for years).

What you can do to help your child get through this difficult period is: No position it as you and him against the big bad school that asks too much of him. Instead, let him know that you believe in him, that you understand how upset he is right now, that hard work is a good thing, and that education is important. You can certainly tell him that you’ll support whatever decisions he ultimately makes regarding his education, but you can also let him (and yourself) know that football is an add-on and not the whole point of the years he spent spends in high school. . Also: having teachers who care enough about their students to be “constantly” on call rather than obediently present at conferences is a bonus, not a disadvantage.

—Michelle

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